Grimwood Page 7

  ‘Aye.’ Frank nodded, though he preferred to listen to complicated jazz music in the privacy of his own living room.

  ‘But where’s Nancy?’ said Titus. ‘We had a very good chat earlier on. I think she’s quite fabulous, you know.’

  ‘Aye, she’s a toughie,’ said Frank. ‘I know one when I see one.’

  Slowly the audience grew, until it seemed like all of Grimwood was there.

  Ted was pacing up and down behind the curtain.

  ‘Calm down!’ said Willow. ‘You’re making me nervous.’

  ‘I’ve got butterflies in my tummy,’ moaned Ted.

  ‘Why did you eat butterflies?’ gasped Willow.

  ‘No, I just mean I’m nervous! Can you see the audience?’

  Willow poked her nose out and had a peek.

  ‘Yup,’ she said.

  ‘Is Nancy there?’ asked Ted.

  ‘Nope,’ said Willow.

  ‘Oh.’ Ted’s tail drooped.

  ‘But listen, Ted,’ said Willow. ‘Titus is there. And so is Frank. And so is Ingrid, and Tamara… all of the bunnies, and the rest of the Grimwood Players. And they’re all looking forward to the show. They’re all here to see us!’

  Ted smiled. His friend was right.

  Ingrid took to the stage to introduce the first act, and the crowd began to clap and hoot in anticipation. First up was Emo Omar…

  I move soil with my paws

  As I dig

  Dig dig dig

  Dig down into the mysterious earth

  Will I ever find

  What I am looking for?

  In the darkness

  Oh, the darkness

  Oh yes there it is

  My keyring

  With a picture of a unicorn on it

  What a result.

  (FIN)

  Frank was still bobbing his owlish head around looking for Nancy. Something didn’t feel right.

  ‘Nancy said she’d be here, didn’t she? I’m going to have a wee search for her,’ he murmured to Titus, and quietly swooped away. He knew the woods as well as anyone, so after a quick check of the fox den, he circled high, high, high up in the air, his beady eyes scanning the ground beneath him for anything unusual.

  The first thing he noticed was a car. It wasn’t the badgers’ Jeep, that was for sure. But as he flew closer to investigate, he saw Nancy’s tired head poking out of the swamp. Though she was still holding on to the ivy, most of her body had sunk down into the awful blackness. Her eyes were closed.

  ‘Nancy!’ shouted Frank. He hovered in front of her face and tried to tickle her nose with his feathers. He didn’t dare try to land – he’d sink in an instant.

  ‘Wake up, lassie!’

  Nancy opened her eyes.

  ‘Frank?’ she said, her voice hoarse from shouting.

  ‘You hang on,’ said Frank. ‘I’m getting help. We’re getting you out of here.’

  ‘Princess Buttons,’ croaked Nancy. ‘She’s here.’

  But Frank had already zoomed away.

  Nancy wasn’t sure if it was ten minutes or ten hours later, but the next thing she remembered was feeling a length of rope being tied firmly around her. Then she heard Frank shout, ‘Drive, Wiggy, drive!’

  She felt hot exhaust fumes belch all over her as Wiggy got the Jeep into gear and rolled it forward, pulling her slowly out of the gloop.

  ‘You poor thing!’ said Wiggy, getting out of the car and helping her up.

  Nancy felt dizzy and heavy, and held on firmly to Wiggy.

  ‘Where’s Ted?’ she asked him as he removed the rope from her waist.

  ‘He’s onstage! The Grimwood Players are halfway through the play. He’s being absolutely marvellous.’

  Nancy and Wiggy jumped into the Jeep.

  ‘Ted’s in danger,’ she said.

  ‘What’s happened? Is it that cat?’ asked Frank.

  Nancy nodded. ‘Buttons is here and she’s not alone. But I think I’ve got a plan.’

  Frank stood to attention.

  ‘What can I do?’

  ‘Head to the Magic Tower and I’ll meet you there. But first, I need to get to Ted before the cats do,’ said Nancy. ‘Wiggy, how fast can you go?’

  Wiggy revved the engine and lowered his driving goggles.

  ‘Hold on tight,’ he growled. ‘And GET READY FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.’

  (He’d always wanted to say something like that.)

  Oooh, ooh, ooh, a plan is afoot, a plan is afoot! I can feel it in my exoskeleton!

  he Grimwood Players were halfway through their second act. Willow was in the middle of her grand speech.

  ‘Because I realize, Mr Hathersage, that it is you I have loved all along. From the moment I saw you, I knew that we were going to be together, for ever!’

  And then she collapsed dramatically into Ted’s arms.

  ‘Aaah!’ said the audience.

  ‘ATTACK!’ came a cry from the darkness. As if from nowhere, an army of cats rose from the undergrowth and ran towards the stage.

  There were gasps and screams from the audience, apart from Titus, who clapped his hooves together and said, ‘Ooh, ooh, is this part of the show?’

  The cats leapt onto the stage and pinned Ted and Willow to the floor. This was not part of the show.

  ‘Oh, crumbs,’ said Ted.

  Willow was thumping cats away with her hind legs, but there were just too many of them.

  ‘Take the fox to the electricity pylon!’ shouted Denise, who had grabbed Willow by the ears.

  ‘OI! You’re not taking anyone anywhere,’ said Willow, kicking Denise in the face.

  Denise growled. She flexed her claws and prepared to give Willow’s face a scratching…

  ‘NO!’ shouted Ted. ‘Leave the bunny alone! It’s me you want, not her.’

  And Ted gingerly stood up, with two cats holding his paws firmly behind his back.

  ‘Fine,’ said Denise. She let go of Willow, who plopped to the floor, and grabbed Ted instead.

  ‘You can’t do this!’ quacked Ingrid. ‘He’s part of the closing act! You’ll be hearing from my agent!’

  A cat hissed and swiped at her diamanté turban.

  As the feral felines swarmed the stage, Titus knew he needed to do something. When Grimwood was being attacked, it was up to him to defend it.

  He stood up, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  he bellowed.

  Until now, the Grimwood animals had mostly been frozen in shock. But with Titus’s rallying call, they knew what to do. Almost without thinking, they scampered to the trees. And then a hundred cries of ‘TREEBONK!’ filled the air.

  They began to fling themselves off the branches.

  ‘Treeeeeeebonk!’

  They zoomed through the sky.

  ‘Treeeeebooooooonk!’

  The cats who were holding Ted dropped him and ran for cover. Ted looked over and found Willow.

  ‘You saved me!’ she cried, throwing her arms around him and untying his paws. ‘Now, quick, start treebonking before you get caught again.’

  ‘But I don’t know how to treebonk!’ said Ted.

  ‘Just bounce around the trees as fast as you can and try not to hit the ground. GO!’ shouted Willow. ‘TREEEEEEBOOOOOOONK!’

  Ted grabbed onto a nearby pine tree and clambered up it, going as high as he could. He tried very hard not to think about how scared of heights he was. Animals were whizzing past his nose at high speeds, and Princess Buttons’ cat gang looked very confused indeed.

  But then one of them – a big, gnarly one with half an ear – spotted Ted nestled in the pine tree.

  ‘The fox!’ it yelled, ‘I see him!’

  And the cat started to climb up the tree trunk.

  Ted gulped. It was now or never.

  ‘TREEEEBONK!’ he shouted, and leapt as high in the air as he could manage. He was about to collide with a silver birch, and put his tail out to cushion the fall – and then he joyfully BOINGED off it.


  ‘Treebonk!’ he cried again, using his tail to push off the second tree and… it worked! His big, bushy, foxy tail turned out to be the perfect treebonking paddle. The animals of Grimwood thwacked into as many of the cats as they could manage, while boinging and twirling and spinning through the air. Not all of them were natural treebonkers – it was a squirrel thing, really. And yet, it was like a beautiful, extremely dangerous furry ballet.

  ‘Treeebooooooonk!’

  The cats were terrified. They yowled in panic and dashed for cover. Acorns, branches and squirrels rained down on them, and the cats realized they were massively outnumbered.

  Denise looked at her watch. If they piled into the car and drove without stopping, the cats could be back in the Big City by teatime.

  ‘Retreat!’ she shouted. ‘Retreat!’

  Titus banged together two halves of a coconut shell, as was tradition at the end of every game of treebonk.

  ‘TREEBONKIUS CONSUMMAVI!’ he cried.

  The treebonking slowed, and then stopped, until the only noise that could be heard was the quiet thud of concussed squirrels falling to the floor.

  At that moment Wiggy’s Jeep crashed through the trees.

  ‘TED!’ barked Nancy, leaping out of the passenger seat before Wiggy had time to stop. She ran over to Titus.

  ‘Where is he?’ she cried.

  ‘Oh, dear Nancy, look at you!’ said Titus. ‘I take it you found the Swamp of Despair?’

  ‘Nancy!’ cried Ted, scrambling out of a bramble hedge. ‘Where did you go?’

  Sniff.

  ‘Buttons is here,’ they both said at exactly the same time.

  ‘She’s gone to the Magic Tower,’ said Nancy.

  ‘It’s only a matter of time before she finds us, Nance,’ said Ted.

  ‘I’m gonna knock her block off!’ said Willow, punching her palm.

  ‘No,’ said Nancy calmly. ‘I’ve got an idea. But, Ted, I’m gonna need you. And you’re going to have to be really, really brave.’

  Ted shook the twigs and acorns from his fur.

  ‘I can do that.’ He grinned.

  he Brain Zapper 3000 weighed heavily on Princess Buttons’ head. Making it to the top of the hill was difficult for a cat who had eaten as many Speedy Chicken nuggets as she had.

  ‘Almost… there,’ she panted. She glanced at the Fox Finder. She was close to the flashing red dot. Nancy was around here somewhere.

  After more huffing and puffing, Princess Buttons reached the top of the hill. She slumped against the base of the old electricity pylon and waited for the cats to deliver Ted.

  They must have got him by now, the weedy little thing. She gazed up at the sky and saw two birds gliding overhead – larger than the ones in the Big City, but too far away to be of much interest.

  Then she heard the unmistakable rumble of a car engine. This was it! She giggled to herself as she stood up and switched on the Brain Zapper 3000. It hummed and the antennae began to flash and glow.

  A Jeep careered over the brow of the hill, skidding into a turn.

  ‘DELIVERY!’

  A small sack was thrown out of the window, landing near Princess Buttons’ feet.

  ‘MMmpppph!’ said the bundle, which writhed and wriggled.

  Princess Buttons was just about to open the sack when it was torn apart from inside. Ted’s snout poked out, gasping for air.

  ‘AAAAAAARGH!‘ he cried, on seeing Princess Buttons and the Brain Zapper 3000.

  ‘Finally,’ sighed Princess Buttons. Though she also wondered why Denise and the cats hadn’t stopped the car.

  ‘H… hullo,’ said Ted nervously.

  ‘Where. Is. My. TAIL?’ hissed Princess Buttons.

  ‘Well. Erm. It was in my rucksack for a bit and then Nancy nailed it to the wall of our den. But now I’m not really sure, to be honest. Look… about the tail. I’m sorry. I honestly thought it was a hot dog.’

  ‘SILENCE!’ shouted Princess Buttons. The Brain Zapper 3000 was sparking and beeping.

  ‘W-what’s that on your head?’ asked Ted. ‘Is it a fun thing or is it a bad thing?’

  Princess Buttons did an evil cackle.

  I’m saying it’s a bad thing.

  ‘This, dear boy, is a Brain Zapper 3000. And I’m afraid it’s going to blast you and your sister into smithereens!’

  Ted gulped.

  ‘But first I want my tail back,’ said Princess Buttons, her sharp claws hovering over Ted’s face. ‘Where’s that big sister of yours? I know she’s around here somewhere!’

  ‘How?’ asked Ted.

  Princess Buttons whipped out Bin’s phone.

  ‘Easy. I tracked her phone. This red dot tells me that she’s nearby. Now I want you to scream for your big sis! Scream so that she comes running to me!’

  Ted knew what he had to do. But he wanted to ask Princess Buttons one more thing while he still had the chance.

  He took a deep breath.

  ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry I bit your tail off. But all the other stuff? I just think you’ve been really mean. All we tried to do was share the food equally among everyone! Don’t you think we could forget about this fighting? We could all go back to the Big City, help each other out, share the good times and the bad. What do you think?’

  Princess Buttons blinked. And then she laughed.

  ‘I think that you’re the stupidest fox I’ve ever met. I don’t like you. I don’t like your sister. And I DON’T… LIKE… SHARING!’

  She pointed the Brain Zapper 3000 at Ted.

  A voice called down from the top of the Magic Tower.

  ‘OI. BUTTONS.’

  Princess Buttons looked up.

  ‘I’VE GOT YOUR TAIL.’

  And there stood Nancy. She was balanced at the very top of the tower, holding Ingrid’s megaphone.

  She smirked and waved the scraggly cat tail in the air.

  Princess Buttons was so furious she started to shake.

  ‘GIVEMEMYTAILRIGHTNOW!’ she screamed.

  But Nancy just shrugged.

  Princess Buttons went to grab Ted, and let out a gasp.

  Because Ted had disappeared.

  ‘What the…?’ said Princess Buttons.

  ‘Over here!’ called Ted, dangling from Frank’s talons.

  Frank swooped and looped to the top of the Magic Tower and gently plopped Ted down next to Nancy.

  Princess Buttons couldn’t stand it any longer. She aimed the Brain Zapper 3000 at the foxes and pressed FIRE.

  The first laser beam bounced off a corner of the Magic Tower. The force of it threw Princess Buttons onto her back. She struggled back to her feet and took aim again. She pointed the laser beam right at Nancy’s head.

  Nancy threw Princess Buttons’ tail into the air at just the right moment. It blew up in an explosion of fur and sparks, and the unpleasant smell of roast cat wafted through the air.

  ‘MY TAIL!’ cried Princess Buttons, dizzy and staggering across the grass. She had one laser beam left.

  Using two paws to steady herself, she pointed the Brain Zapper 3000 up at Ted.

  Except… she couldn’t see Ted any more. Because a gigantic eagle was zooming towards Princess Buttons. It was saying something.

  ‘THE ALIENS!’ cried Pamela. ‘THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!!’

  Ted, Nancy and Frank, who were now sitting comfortably in Pamela’s chaotic nest, all nodded.

  ‘So they have, Pamela,’ said Frank. ‘So they have.’

  ‘NO! I’m not an alien!’ cried Princess Buttons, seeing Pamela prepare to dive. She unstrapped the Brain Zapper 3000 from her head. ‘See? I’m just a cat! A normal cat!’

  But it was too late.

  Ted covered his eyes.

  Nancy cheered.

  Frank hooted.

  And Pamela swooped down from the Magic Tower and bit Princess Buttons’ head clean off.

  fter the events of the previous day, Titus and Ingrid had agreed to have another Big Show, seeing as they never
quite finished the proper one.

  ‘Mint humbug?’ said Titus, offering a paper bag to Nancy.

  ‘No thanks, Titus.’ She grinned. ‘I’m on the beef jerky. Don’t wanna mix sweet and savoury, you know?’

  ‘Thank you, everybody, thank you,’ said Ingrid from the stage. ‘Now for our next act, we welcome two talented young scamps who’ve been a marvellous addition to the Grimwood Players this season.’

  ‘Ooh, this is them!’ said Wiggy, nudging Nancy.

  ‘And I know I speak for many of us,’ continued Ingrid, ‘when I say I will be very sad to see one of these youngsters go.’ She clutched a handkerchief to her beak. ‘But life moves on… ceaselessly… like waves beating against the shoreline of existence…’

  Tamara coughed.

  ‘Sorry, yes, anyway, please give a great big Grimwood hooray for TED AND WILLOWWWWWWW!’

  Ted and Willow skipped onto the stage. The lights dimmed.

  ‘Ready?’ whispered Willow.

  Ted nodded.

  The dance began slowly, with Ted and Willow creeping around each other like burglars in an art gallery. Ted appeared to be dressed as a tree, and Willow danced gracefully, pretending to be the wind, the wind, THE WIND, bending Ted’s branches.

  ‘Ooh, it’s terribly poetic,’ remarked Wiggy.

  But then the music suddenly EXPLODED into frantic joyful disco, and out of nowhere Willow was wearing a multi-coloured ballgown and Ted was spinning her above his head. One of the efficient beavers was frantically switching a bedside lamp on and off to create exciting lighting.

  The audience clapped and stamped their paws in time.

  Nancy’s jaw hit the floor. She had no idea Ted could do all this stuff.

  ‘The youngster’s talented, eh?’ Frank nodded.

  Ted was now doing an elaborate tap dance with two dustbin lids strapped to his feet.

  Then, for the grand finale, Willow swooped across the stage holding a flaming pineapple, which she threw dramatically onto the floor while screaming, ‘THE FUTURE IS OURS!’